As a parent whose kids are a bit beyond the grade-school years, I’ve had plenty of time to think about the choices I made when they were little. And let me tell you, hindsight is a mixed bag. On the one hand, it gives you a clearer view of what you could’ve done better. On the other hand, it’s a bit like watching a replay of a game where you made some cringe-worthy moves—only there’s no referee to call a timeout. Diving into The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt, which is currently making waves on the New York Times best-seller list, stirred up some of these reflections, and while I can’t rewind the clock, I’m still trying to make adjustments—even now that my kids are adults and (mostly) out of the house.
Taking Haidt’s lessons to heart, here’s what I’d do differently if I had the chance, and how I’m trying to apply the book’s main tenets today. It’s still a work in progress, but hey, isn’t that parenting in a nutshell?
1. Encouraging independence (a little sooner than I did)
If I’m being honest, letting go was never my strong suit. I was that mom who hovered, swooped in to fix problems, and generally tried to shield my kids from any bumps in the road. I thought I was helping, but now I see that I might’ve been holding them back from figuring things out on their own.
If I could do it over, I’d start encouraging independence a little sooner—like letting them make their own mistakes and learn from them, rather than me stepping in every time. These days, with my kids all grown up, I’m working on stepping back even more. It’s not easy—old habits die hard—but I’m learning to trust that they can handle life’s challenges without me micromanaging (too much). And I’m discovering that it’s actually pretty amazing to see them navigate their own paths, even if I have to bite my tongue every now and then.
2. Limiting screen time (without losing my mind)
If I had a nickel for every time I wished I’d done a better job of managing screen timer when my kids were younger, I’d probably be able to retire by now. Back then, I didn’t fully grasp just how much screens could impact their mental health—and let’s be real, sometimes screens were the only thing keeping me sane.
If I could go back, I’d make a more conscious effort to limit screen time. It wouldn’t have been perfect, but I’d encourage more activities that didn’t involve a glowing rectangle. Fast forward to today, and I’m actually seeing my kids take the initiative to step away from screens on their own, which is both surprising and reassuring. Our version of “limiting screen time” these days? More face-to-face conversations, less texting. We’re focusing on real-life connections, and while we’re still glued to our phones more than I’d like to admit, I’d say we’re making strides.
3. Prioritizing free play (and trying not to over-schedule)
Looking back, I definitely overdid it on the scheduling front. I had my kids enrolled in every activity under the sun, thinking I was giving them a leg up.
But what I’ve come to realize is that they could’ve used more time to just be kids—to play, to be bored, to figure out how to entertain themselves without me orchestrating every moment.
If I could do it over, I’d dial back the over-scheduling and prioritize free play. I’d let them have more unstructured time to explore, imagine and even get a little bored. Because boredom, as I’ve learned, can be the birthplace of creativity. These days, I’m trying to pass that lesson on to them as adults. We talk about the importance of balancing work with downtime, and I encourage them to make time for hobbies, relaxation, and yes, even a little unplanned nothingness. It’s something I’m still working on myself, but it’s never too late to learn how to let go of the to-do list and just be.
4. Modeling resilience (even when I wasn’t feeling resilient)
There were plenty of times when I tried to put on a brave face for my kids, thinking that I had to always appear strong and unshakeable. But in hindsight, I realize that showing them how to navigate life’s challenges—flaws and all—might have been more valuable than always putting up a front.
If I could go back, I’d be more open about my struggles, showing them that it’s OK to face setbacks, to ask for help, and to keep going even when things are tough. Nowadays, I’m working on modeling resilience with my adult kids by being more transparent about my own challenges. I’m not afraid to admit when I’m having a tough time or to show them how I’m working through it. And you know what? It’s opened up some great conversations about how we all cope with life’s ups and downs. It turns out that being imperfect is actually a pretty good lesson to share.
5. Fostering a growth mindset (and easing up on the perfectionism)
Perfectionism is something I’ve battled with for as long as I can remember, and I’ll admit, I probably passed some of that on to my kids. I always wanted them to do well, to succeed, and to avoid failure at all costs. But if I could go back, I’d focus more on fostering a growth mindset—the idea that effort and learning are more important than getting everything right the first time.
These days, I’m trying to let go of that perfectionist mindset (easier said than done, but I’m working on it) and encourage my kids to embrace challenges as opportunities to grow. We talk about how mistakes are part of the learning process, and I’m making a conscious effort to praise their efforts, not just their results. It’s been a shift for all of us, but I can see it making a difference in how they approach their own lives—with a little more confidence and a lot less pressure.
Parenting means always growing
As I look back on my parenting journey, I see plenty of things I’d do differently if I had the chance. But I also know that parenting is one of those things where you’re always learning, always evolving, and always doing the best you can with what you know at the time. My kids may be grown, but that doesn’t mean the learning (or the parenting) ever really stops.
If you’re in a similar boat—reflecting on your own parenting journey and thinking about what you’d change—just know that it’s never too late to make adjustments, to grow, and to keep working on those relationships with your kids, no matter how old they are. We might not be able to go back and change the past, but we can always strive to be better in the present. And honestly, that’s what being a parent is all about: doing your best, learning from your mistakes, and trying again every day.
